What do you see when you close your eyes and imagine success?
I want to say that I imagine hard work, perseverance, and overcoming obstacles, but that’s just not true.
Part of me does imagine the satisfaction that will come from achieving a meaningful goal, where I picture myself smiling and reflecting on my own, away from the crowd. But for the most part, that’s not what I see.
The root of my realization is an uncomfortable one: I care about what people think.
When I close my eyes and imagine success, most of what I see is my desire for others to congratulate, acknowledge, and accept me, or for them to jealously watch on as I happily (and finally) prove them wrong.
What’s wrong with this (mental) picture?
Good and Bad Motivation?
Should I feel bad about wanting to please others?
Isn’t seeking recognition and acceptance a normal part of being a person?
I wrote an article called Why Do We Compete, where I talked about the different types of motivation that exist.
Intrinsic motivation comes from within, and occurs when a person is driven by a pure love for the activity.
Extrinsic motivation comes from outside the individual. Common examples include being driven by money and fame, but extrinsic motivation includes a lot more than just dollars and applause.
Below is a table that classifies the different types of motivations. Notice how even motives such as confirming a sense of self and achieving personal goals are considered extrinsic.
As the table shows, motivation is complicated and nuanced. Motives that at first glance appear intrinsic are actually the opposite.
Let me remind myself, why is it that I compete?
I compete in jiu jitsu because:
- I love it
- Martial arts are part of my identity
- My goal is to win a world championship
- I’ll feel guilty if I don’t compete
- Who wouldn’t enjoy a pat on the back, a gold medal, and some prize money?
Clearly, it’s possible to be driven by more than one motive at a time.
I think the real issue is identifying how much each motive is contributing to your overall motivation, and checking that everything is balanced from there.
As long as intrinsic motivation is at the base of your reason for doing something (ie. you actually love what you do AND want everything else that comes along with success), you’re in the clear.
Back to a question I asked earlier: Isn’t seeking recognition and acceptance a normal part of being a person?
The evolutionary psychology perspective would say that, in the distant past, our ancestors would have benefitted from social inclusion. In fact, it would have been necessary for survival.
At one time, it would have been vital to care what people thought about you because your rejection from the group would have resulted in no mating, no food, and no protection. And with that, you’re eliminated from the gene pool!
But today, the opinions of a few individuals will hardly be enough to dictate your access to finding food, shelter, love and a place in society.
Let me round up what I’ve established so far:
I know I’m intrinsically motivated, but I also care about what people think – and that’s apparently a normal part of being a human.
Then why do I still feel so weird?
What’s Wrong With My Ego?
For years, I tricked myself into thinking my ego was the enemy.
I thought the best way to be a strong, noble person was to renounce my ego in pursuit of some higher form of being. Nope! Turns out that’s pretentious, and I really just wanted people to think I was interesting.
The ego can be damaging when it’s allowed to run wild, but that doesn’t mean the best way to control the ego is to do away with it all together.
Instead, I try my best to monitor my ego by keeping it on a short leash, so to speak. That means that I’m constantly checking to see where I am with my sense of self-esteem and self-importance.
But if my ego is a normal part of being a person, why do I feel so guilty when I notice it at work?
Maybe it’s because I’m worried about my ego getting out of control, and this is my way of being extra vigilant so I can catch myself before things get out of hand.
It’s healthy to get a boost of confidence when you wear a new pair of sneakers out in public, or if you share a social media post that is well received in your social group. It’s not healthy to buy a new pair of sneakers, or to obsessively track a social media post’s likes and comments, just so you can feel better about yourself.
I don’t think there’s anything wrong with indulging your ego here and there and recognizing that, to a certain extent, it’s important for your social survival.
I love jiu jitsu for what it is, and I would still train and compete if I had to keep it a complete secret from the world.
But I’m a regular person who also enjoys having a social identity, being accepted by others, and earning a few dollars and some recognition along the way.
As long as I can keep my ego in check, and my actions aren’t entirely dictated by the opinions of others, I don’t see anything wrong with having mixed motives.
And if you disagree, I don’t care (just kidding, you know I do).
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